Debating William & Mary, sports and culture since 2011. Updated every Wednesday.

Tribe Choices: The Search For An Offensive Coordinator

In Football, William & Mary on February 25, 2013 at 4:35 pm

It’s almost March, and the William and Mary Tribe is still without an offensive coordinator. What’s causing the delay? The answer might surprise you.

The search for the College of William and Mary’s new offensive coordinator is taking longer than expected. CDH has learned that the delay is due to the rigorous multiple choice exam head coach Jimmye Laycock is putting candidates through. Luckily, we have obtained a copy of this questionnaire. Do you have what it takes to be William and Mary’s next offensive coordinator? Answer these questions and find out.

1. If hired, you will spend most of your time:

a) Recruiting Tidewater Virginia.

b) Explaining the appeal of colonial re-enactors to indifferent recruits.

c) Finding out which sorority girls are especially full of “Tribe Pride.”

d) At Paul’s.

2. The pistol offense:

a) Is an innovative concept that works with the right players.

b) Killed Alexander Hamilton.

c) Is a fad like Gatorade. A bucket and a damp sponge was all we needed in my day, son.

d) Needs more swing passes to running backs.

3. Your FCS defense has four future NFL players. How many points per game do you need to average to win a championship?

a) 17. Two touchdowns should do it.

b) 10. Got to keep the defense motivated.

c) 6. If it was good enough to win in the 1960s, it’s good enough today.

d) Doesn’t matter, can’t blame Jimmye.

4. You see your head coach on campus. You:

a) Run over the day’s practice schedule.

b) Wave goodbye as he heads to the Golden Horseshoe.

c) Think how lucky you are to not work for Tribe basketball.

d) Trick question. Laycock’s never on campus.

5. Your third-string tight end gets a DUI. You:

a) Suspend him for a game.

b) Suspend him for the season.

c) Threaten the student newspaper with a loss of access if they report on it.

d) Convert him into a quarterback. Can never have too many of those.

6. Sports at William and Mary are:

a) Second to academics.

b) A continuation of a 300-year old tradition.

c) Where you show off your lax penny to your fraternity bros.

d) A good hustle if you can get it.

7. The typical William and Mary quarterback club member:

a) Had a son who played at the College.

b) Has two CAAZone accounts with a Ronald Reagan quote in the tagline.

c) Thinks the women’s studies department is out to get him.

d) Remembers when this all used to be fields.

8. The 757 is:

a) The start of that trendy song about Jenny’s phone number that came out recently.

b) Produces a lot of “athletic” players that just aren’t a good fit for William and Mary.

c) The College’s endowment for 2012-2013.

d) The average BAC of a BOV member.

9. Zable Stadium:

a) Only needs new bathrooms.

b) Was never the same since they put in those damned lights.

c) Has been a key part of William and Mary’s success.

d) Is a delightful example of the Flemish bonding style of brick architecture.

10. The blame for William and Mary’s recent struggles lies with:

a) The Administration.

b) Liberals.

c) Students spending too much time in the library.

d) The Civil War.

11. Word association. Tribal Fever:

a) Creating tradition.

b) Nothing like those KAs back in ’83.

c) The only William and Mary students who “get it.”

d) Virgins.

12. The College’s 2013 recruiting class:

a) Will be one of the best to set foot on campus in years.

b) Contains a quarterback who should probably start as a freshman.

c) Has two top-100 Virginia players!!!

d) Is further evidence of Pope Jimmye I’s infallibility.

13. On third and 9, it is usually best to:

a) Run a draw.

b) Hand the ball off.

c) Give it to the running back.

d) Pound the rock and control field position!!!

14. My career goal is to:

a) Find a nice, quiet spot for retirement down the road.

b) Get a Golden Horseshoe membership.

c) Coach some nice young men.

d) Hobnob with Colin Campbell, Tommy Norment and all the other local bigwigs.

15. In five years, I see myself:

a) On the sideline of Zable Stadium calling plays.

b) In the press box of Zable Stadium, calling play-by-play.

c) On the CAAZone message boards, defending Jimmye’s play calling.

d) Conducting ghost tours in Colonial Williamsburg.

16. William and Mary’s ideal conference is:

a) The CAA. Dance with the one that brought you.

b) The SoCon. The South’s not going to rise again without some Tribe Pride.

c) The Patriot League. Makes our WASPy alumni happy and avoids those dangerous road trips to Norfolk.

d) The ACC. If you disregard most sports other than football, it’s a good fit.

17. When I say “Jimmye Laycock,” your first thought is:

a) Jimmy hats.

b) Sex, dih.

c) A long-tenured football coach.

d) Willy Loman.

18. The team just lost by 28 without scoring a single offensive touchdown. Who is to blame?

a) William and Mary’s strict academic standards. I don’t know how they do it at JMU, but it’s student athlete for a reason.

b) The students. If they ever left the Gat-damn library and went to a game, the team would get a massive boost.

c) No one. It’s a young team, and they’ve been hurt by injuries. But [insert redshirt sophomore quarterback] has looked good in practice, maybe he should get some snaps.

d) Tom Yeager. We haven’t been the same since Richmond left the CAA.

19. The ideal William and Mary athlete is:

a) R.J. Archer. Runner, gunner, open to speaking at Tribe Club meetings.

b) Jonathan Grimes. He’s so well spoken and just a good kid.

c) Mallory Schaffer. The closest you’re going to get to a “10” at the College.

d) Doug Howard. Five foot nothin’, a hundred and nothin’, but damn it he’s got heart.

20. William and Mary’s annual goal should be:

a) A national championship.

b) Defeating an academically inferior, but athletically superior university in a randomly-selected “rivalry” game.

c) Generating a fan base.

d) Kissing a member of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Non-relative. With tongue.

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