Debating William & Mary, sports and culture since 2011. Updated every Wednesday.

FJM-style takedown on College Football playoffs

In Football on November 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Some people have thoughtful and carefully considered opinions on the upcoming FBS playoff system. You will not find those people in the “sound off column of the local newspaper’s sports section.

College football is set to debut a four-team playoff system in 2014, replacing the tried-and-true method of “randomly picking a team.” Many fans see the new set-up as a long-awaited step toward crowning a true FBS football champion. But not everyone is pleased with a playoff.

Over the weekend, one angry Luddite wrote a letter to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, criticizing college football’s abandonment of tradition. Like most letters to the editor, this one requires a bit of translation. Thankfully, CDH will serve as your interpreter as you enter the rabbit’s hole that is the mind of a BCS defender.

Regarding Bryan Burwell’s screed against the BCS, “Let’s Have a Mess,” on Nov. 6: Burwell argues that turning the FBS into the NFL

(NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has already fined Burwell for taking the NFL’s name in vain.)

by adopting a playoff would be the answer to what he incorrectly perceives as the current chaos

(Could you clarify that?)

or “mess”

(Thanks.)

in college football.

(College football is like jazz — it’s the games you don’t play.)

To the contrary, however,

(UNNECESSARILY ADVERB’D!)

a playoff is a simplistic answer to a non-existent problem.

(Because fuck you, simplicity. If it doesn’t fit into a Rube Goldberg machine, I don’t want it.)

College football is unique and enjoys tremendous popularity as it stands now.

(As we all know, popularity equals BEST. That’s why Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is the greatest movie of all time.)

Whereas all other NCAA sports/divisions, as well as the pros, have a routine regular season followed by a postseason,

(Otherwise known as “sports.”)

no other college sport is close in popularity to FBS football.

(Suck it, field hockey.)

Furthermore, postseasons like the NCAA basketball tournament do not determine the best team;

(Yeah, just because you “won” more “games” or
“scored” more “points” doesn’t make you the best. I have to FEEL that you’re the best.)

at most, they merely reflect the team that happened to play the best for a brief stretch of games.

(Unlike college football, which picks the team that happened to play the best for ONE game.)

For those of us who appreciate debate and nuance,

(College football — known for its resemblance to the works of Oscar Wilde.)

the pre-BCS bowl system and sportswriters polls were,

(Bowls and polls — because the best systems rhyme. Interestingly, “Bowls and Polls” is also the name of my new Ricky Williams/political intrigue thriller.)

by far, the best arrangement.

(Combining the lack of satisfaction of a fun size candy bar with the pomposity of your loud uncle at family gatherings.)

It fostered enjoyable debate and argument over the best team,

(If Obama-Romney didn’t do it for you.)

while having the sportswriters weigh in as experts.

(Except for Bryan Burwell, who appreciates neither nuance nor debate. Give me Mitch Albom any day.)

The upcoming playoff system will end all of that, leaving us with an unfortunate imitation of the NFL,

(Concussions for everyone!)

rather than classic inter-sectional bowl games,

(Why stop there? I want inter-dimensional bowl games. Who was better: the 1961 Crimson Tide or the 4638 Tymerian Klottos?)

pitting teams that otherwise do not (or refuse to) schedule each other.

(The Civil War rematch will pit the Big Ten champion against the SEC champion — just as Lincoln intended.)

The playoff plan should be scrapped, with a return to the days of real bowl games and the most meaningful regular season possible.

(Real bowl games like the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl, and a meaningful regular season, like beating Wofford in Week 2. FOOTBALL!)

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