Debating William & Mary, sports and culture since 2011. Updated every Wednesday.

FJM-style takedown on CAA realignment

In Basketball, Football, William & Mary on May 23, 2012 at 5:54 pm

In keeping with his reputation as a proactive, take-charge athletic director, William and Mary A.D. Terry Driscoll awoke from his annual summer hibernation to release a statement on Old Dominion University and Virginia Commonwealth University leaving the Colonial Athletic Association.

Reading Terry Driscoll is like listening to Miles Davis — it’s all about the notes he doesn’t play. Luckily, we here at CDH happen to be expert Driscollologists trained in the art of deciphering bureaucratic bullshit. (Also, it was a slow weekend.)

So, I present to you, with a tip of the hat to Fire Joe Morgan, the official CDH guide to William and Mary’s statement on CAA realignment.

A Statement from the William and Mary Athletics Director Terry Driscoll on Conference Affiliation:

As a founding member,

(Suck it, Towson.)

the College of William and Mary’s Athletics Department remains committed to the Colonial Athletic Association.

(…unless anyone else will take us. Please, somebody take us. We are so lonely and scared, and the Patriot League keeps awkwardly throwing its arm around our shoulder like a drunk at a party. Please, oh please, don’t force us to go home with them. Have you ever had sex with someone from Colgate? Extremely unpleasant.)

Throughout its nearly three decades of existence,

(our students have had sex at least twice)

the league has managed change in membership

(the way an Oklahoman trailer park “manages” change during a tornado)

and has consistently emerged stronger for it.

(D I-AA FOOTBALL CHAMPS!!!!!!!1!!)

With due diligence,

(<Driscoll puts down pen, takes 12-day nap. Wakes up and shaves comically long Rip Van Winkle beard. Resumes writing>)

I am confident it will do so again.

(D-III FOOTBALL CHAMPS!!!!!!!1!!)

The Tribe Athletics Department has been able to celebrate over 100 CAA Titles

(thanks mostly to its track and field program from the late 90s)

while maintaining one of the top graduation rates

(<Driscoll makes fart noise with mouth>)

among its student-athletes

(most of whom took Math Powered Flight, the only college course in history to feature two-question quizzes that you could take with a partner)

for public institutions

(Kindly inhale it into your oral cavity, Harvard.)

in the nation.

(TROPHY PLEAZE!)

The College is committed to its core values

(Slavery?)

of creating the best possible experience for its student-athletes

(without winning games)

and will continue to compete at the highest level

(of southeastern Virginia high school football, excluding all public schools east of Newport News).

of Division I Athletics.

(<Driscoll drops pen and walks out of office, failing to notice the raging fire engulfing the entire office>).

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