Debating William & Mary, sports and culture since 2011. Updated every Wednesday.

The Third Man(ning)

In Football on February 8, 2012 at 9:04 am

In the weeks leading up to Super Bowl XLVI, the staff at Crim Del Harris talked about putting together a crowdsourcing game analysis. The result would be a thoughtful and engaging analysis of football’s biggest game, and would raise the level of discourse on this site to heretofore unknown levels. But then we remembered that none of us like the Patriots, and at least one of us is openly hostile to the Giants and their fans, so it never materialized. [Code for we never got around to it.] So instead, here’s our collective text message exchanges from the game — 1,000 words of pure, unadulterated CDH snark. Enjoy.

5:20: Last second, but did anyone want to try to do a round table thing during the game?

5:22: If my phone stays alive, I’ll contribute. Who wants to kick it off

5:25: What if we all just texted into this thread and then uploaded it? Are anyone’s texts limited?

5:26: Works for me

[INTERLUDE: On the first play from scrimmage, New England QB Tom Brady gets called for intentional grounding in the endzone. The result is a safety, and New York goes up 2-0.]

5:36: A safety???

5:36: WHY DID ELTON IMPRISON FLAVA FLAV?

5:37 Brady fuck up. Best. Super bowl start. Ever.

5:37: For being too black, too strong.

5:45: Did the game start?

5:46: Really?

5:47: Gotta load up on super bowl essentials: paper towels, beer, sunglasses, tumblers, m&m’s, hangers, wine glasses, wine…

5:55: Clearly I didn’t miss anything important…

[INTERLUDE: With 12:55 left in the first half, trainers carry Giants TE Travis Beckum off the field with a torn ACL.]

6:20: I used to be a giants wide receiver, then I took an arrow to the knee.

[Commercial break]

6:22: ARE THESE coca cola bears MARRIED OR JUST GOOD BEAR BROS

6:28: Wait… what?

6:30: Am I the only one that gets skyrim references? Aka, the lamest?

6:32: PROBABLY

[INTERLUDE: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is an action role playing open world video game, which none of us have ever played, that is taking nerdier college campuses by storm. ::cough:: William and Mary ::cough::]

6:32: Oh, missed it, sorry, haha.

6:33: I’d rather play the techmo bowl anyway

6:33: What’s an XBox?

6:38: But if we beat childhood obesity, who’ll play o-line?

6:40: I LIKE HOW IT’S THE COLTS AND PANTHERS, SO IF THEY ARE GOING UP AGAINST CHILDHOOD OBESITY, IT STILL HAS A CHANCE

6:50: This broadcast isn’t nearly commercialized enough for me. Where’s the Budweiser hot seat??

[The first half comes to an end, and the nation sits in rapt anticipation for an AARP member to sing songs that haven’t been popular since supply-side economics were all the rage. See if you can follow along.]

7:01: This is more homoerotic than 300.

7:04: THERE ARE A LOT OF CONFUSED FOOTBALL FANS IN THE STANDS RIGHT NOW

7:04: Retweet: over/under how many times she spreads her legs? 22

7:05: This is just like the ’08 beijing opening ceremony.

7:06: ONLY WE HAVE LMFAO, SO BETTER

7:07: How did this pairing happen? Fox’S booking agent had a stroke.

7:08: Great halftime show, or greatest halftime show

7:08: When did Cyndi lauper start looking so much like Madonna?

7:08: I WAS GOING TO SAY YOUNG STEVE BUSCHEMI

7:08: Wait, is that philip glass?

7:09: This is fucking insane

7:09: Cee lo green and what i presume is the marine corps band

7:10: I MISS UP WITH PEOPLE

7:11: C lo looks so happy

7:12: I should’ve dropped acid

7:12: Tebow time

7:12: THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

7:14: Not enough performers for my taste.

7:16: Ron artest with a shutout…o

7:16: *shoutout

7:17: well this is a fun game! And an amazing half time performance.

7:19: I can’t believe they didn’t invite Justin Timberlake.

[Commercial break]

7:40: That camry commercial was like a dali painting.

7:43: WHILE THE fiat WAS LIKE A PORNO

7:43: STAMOS!!!

7:43: The handsomest man in the world

[INTERLUDE: The blatant stereotyping of a Greek treasure like John Stamos with Greek yogurt was unsettling. A more apropos spot would have had Stamos crafting a woefully insolvent financial plan for Dannon.]

7:50: Because when i think studio 54, i think Budweiser.

7:50: WHAT CULTURAL EVENT INSPIRED BREAK DANCING IN THE STREETS IN THE 80s

7:50: The reagan assassination attempt

7:50: I want to live in Budweiser’s version of America

7:51: HAHAHAHA THAT’S GREAT

[INTERLUDE: Some poor designer in NBC’s graphics devision thought it would be a good idea for Tom Brady and Eli Manning to stand motionless as if they were still headshots, only to freak the fuck out of viewers at home when they started blinking/smirking.]

7:56: I thought those were headshots of brady and eli. Then they started blinking…

7:57: I haven’t heard “mr. sandman” since the last time i watched back to the future II.

[INTERLUDE: Marty McFly’s sports almanac wouldn’t have covered Super Bowl XLVI. In Back to the Future II, the almanac only covered every major sporting event from 1950-2000 (with dust-repelling paper, no less). However, since the film takes place in 2015, there’s still time to put money on the Cubs for the Chicago-Miami World Series.]

7:59: I WANT COMMERCIALS TO COME BACK!

8:01: My take here is that jay leno ruins everything

8:22: Between that and ferris its an 80s theme

[INTERLUDE: I can’t find a link to the video for this commercial, but NBC ran an ad about a small village in which everyone watches NBC on the village television, while one unlucky villager turns a giant hamster wheel to power the t.v. The subtext being that, in this Borat-like shantytown, the peasants are too poor to own 1. more than one television and 2. cable.]

8:22: Is eastern europe the last place it’s okay to make fun of?

8:22: They might have to apologize to the poles.

8:23: IF THEY WANTED TO FIND PEOPLE WHO DON’T WATCH NBC, THERE ARE A LOT OF THOSE HERE IN THE US

[Commercial break]

8:26: Is this like a new palm pilot?

8:26: Samsung going for the 2006 crowd

8:26: Makes sense, it’s basically a palm pilot

8:27: You’ll have to pry my pager from my cold dead hands

[INTERLUDE: The Darkness sucks.]

8:30: WELKAAAAAAAAAAAAH

[INTERLUDE: With just over four minutes left in the game, Wes Welker drops Tom Brady’s first down pass — a pass he catches “100 times out of 100.” A first down would have all but clinched the game for the Patriots, and would have given Boston fans everywhere another feather in their cap of asshattery.]

8:31 It’s ovah. Eli time.

8:31: We’ll be watching that for 50 years? Someone forgot to tell the mayans.

[INTERLUDE: Giants WR Mario Manningham put the team on his back and made a Madden-style catch. Also, if you just became aware of that fact by reading this article, you should probably start reading another blog, because you’re in the wrong place.]

[INTERLUDE: I didn’t mean that. We love you, reader. Please, don’t go… ::sobs::]

8:31: SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE A GIF OF VINCE WILLFORK AND CO REACTION TO THAT

8:40: Best ad tonight?

[INTERLUDE: What is a “.co?”]

8:41: Ok Tom. We need a little …. Less.

8:42: How do you sign up to take dramatic nfl headshots?

8:42: Talk to Maral

[INTERLUDE: Gronk can’t come up with Brady’s Hail Mary pass. Eli, the conquering hero, the gregarious and oft-outspoken media darling, leads the Giants to a Super Bowl victory.]

8:54: Eli thinks he just won state

8:54: Where’s Peyton?

8:55: Brady is skeletor to eli’s he-man

8:56: IF I WERE ONLY NEAR BILL SIMMONS RIGHT NOW

9:00: Brady believed in the endzone, the orgiastic six points that year by year recedes before us.

9:02: If only they were going into the Seahawks end zone.

9:06: Hahahaha

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